I have reflected on and had great conversations about love and relationships the past couple of weeks, but have also been thinking through what it looks like when relationships break down as well. Part of the reason for this reflection has been the divorce of several people I have known over the past several years. The other reason was wanting to get a more robust definition and value for marriage. Here, I wish to share where me and my friends are at in understanding these values.
To start off with, we have come to define the gospel as giving and receiving appropriate love (shout-out to awesome friend Jonathan Huegel). Christ came to pay the price for our sins and to repair the damage we did by sinning against God and one another. As we anticipate the reunification of heaven and earth, we work to repair the world by also giving and receiving appropriate love as well as to build our character over time to better participate in this kingdom work.
When we got around to looking at marriage, we also came to understand that marriage was the codification of the gospel into a strictly enforced relationship. A man and a woman come together to give and receive appropriate love, to build character in each other, and to demonstrate the gospel to others through their relationship. (This dynamic applies in the lives of singles as well.) By defining marriage this way, it became easier to look at what good reasons for divorce might be. These days, the reasons for separating are becoming more flippant and based on emotion. However, when we read Matthew 19:9, we read:
"And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery." (NASB)
The word for immorality is "porneia", which can mean unlawful sexual intercourse, prostitution, unchastity, or fornication. However, the word has also been traditionally rendered "unfaithfulness" as well. This word and concept creates a lot of the discussion surrounding when it is appropriate or inappropriate to divorce. However, when we look at the larger concept around marriage being the giving and receiving of appropriate love, "porneia" is seen to break the very essence of marriage by giving inappropriate love to someone else, which includes withholding appropriate love from one's spouse. Following that line of thought, other actions and situations can also fit into the essence of what "porneia" does to a marriage relationships, breaking its very essence. That is why I feel comfortable saying that unfaithfulness is grounds for divorce. This unfaithfulness, though, is more than having boredom or a bad evening.
Unfaithfulness is withholding appropriate love that one is capable of giving or giving inappropriate love. Follow this line further, and one sees that unfaithfulness is akin to sin itself. I think sin can also be said as withholding appropriate love that one is capable of giving. We sinned against God by withholding love from him that we were capable of giving. In the garden, Eve withholds the love of appropriate obedience from God by eating the forbidden fruit. Friendships end whenever one friend withholds appropriate love consistently over time. Church members are sent out of churches for withholding appropriate love, whether the love of obedience to Christ or the love of acting appropriately towards one's brothers and sisters in Christ. Inversely, we also see relationships end when one gives inappropriate love.
Now, we all sin and ask forgiveness for our sins. We ask for the healing of our withholding of appropriate love by asking for the appropriate love of others to fill the gap. We ask for grace, love we did not earn, and for mercy, love in the place of punishment. However, when one is engaged in prolonged sin, mercy no longer becomes appropriate love. Instead, judgment becomes appropriate love. Here, we see the insight behind the church discipline in 1 Corinthians 5:5 "I have decided to deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of his flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus." Church discipline is both withholding inappropriate love and giving appropriate love by making someone experience the fruit that their consistent unfaithfulness will bear over time. That is why Paul goes on to say that consistent, unrepentant, Christian sinning must be pushed out of the church. This happens in community in love. The appropriate love we have been showing one another in community becomes the context in which inappropriate love is confronted. Matthew 18:15-17 says
"If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector."
When one persists in inappropriate love, he is shown the contrast between his inappropriate love and the appropriate love of the church gradually. If he still does not see that his love is inappropriate, the church pushes him out completely, both to preserve the appropriate love of the assembly and to teach appropriate love by showing him how inappropriate the love of the world really is.
The last question of the matter should be obvious. "How do we know what is appropriate vs inappropriate love?" Beyond, but not neglecting, the easy answer that the Bible tell us what is and is not sin, the gospels do a great job of teaching us what is and is not appropriate love. Specifically, the Sermon on the Mount shows us what is and is not appropriate love. Matthew 5-7 goes on at length on this subject, starting with the beatitudes, but that is a discussion for another day.
Each situation is different and marriages are especially difficult to grow, mend, or end. However, as we grow in Christian character and grow familiar with appropriate love, we become familiar with the essence of marriage itself. When a spouse persists in unfaithfulness, either of inappropriate love or withholding appropriate love, she chews away at the fabric of the marriage itself. A marriage, as any relationships, can end well before the end is officially recognized. That is why the church's job is not to hold marriages together at all costs. That law of marriage is not what Jesus came to uphold. He came to uphold the spirit of marriage, which is the gospel. The job of the church is to mentor all couples (as well as all people) in this gospel love. When one spouse subsists in sin, the church needs to help the couple to heal the sin rather than allow it to fester until the word "divorce" hits the air, swooping in to get rid of the word and restore the status quo. Instead, it is the gospel duty of the church to invest in and pursue appropriate love, whether that means helping a couple to fight through the storm or comforting them if they must abandon the ship.
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