A pang of guilt registers in your heart. You see the lonely kid at the cafeteria table by himself and are left with what seems like an obvious choice: enjoy yourself with your friends or do the morally good thing by sitting awkwardly with the kid who has no friends. The phrase I use for this encounter and relationship is the "Pity Friendship". To be honest, I don't know how to feel about this relationship. I have been on both the giving and receiving side of pity friendships and never have known how to feel. Because, after enough time, the receiver figures out that the relationship was never really there to begin with and either satisfies himself on the crumbs he has, chooses authentic solitude over fake friendship, or eventually finds real friends that he connects with.
This seemingly trivial and passing occurrence has some import to me, however, as I consider Jesus' teaching in the Sermon on the Mount, specifically in Matthew 5:43-47:
"You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you... For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same?"
If we are called to love our enemies, how much more our Pity Friend? How does that even work? For a helpful tool, I would like to refer to relationships in the terms "Positive" for true friends, "Neutral" for pity friends and other one-way relationships, and "Negative" for one's relationship with one's enemies.
I find that Jesus' words crack my paradigm here and, I know this may sound surprising, but I don't know what paradigm to replace my old one with. Yes, you are reading a blog about a topic that I have know idea what to say about. No solution. I was kind of hoping you, the reader, might have something to contribute since I am actively working through these thoughts myself. To give you a better idea of why I find myself stuck, let me tell you more about myself. I find myself very comfortable with the intersection of religion and psychology. I have a passion for growth and specialized in growth for my MDiv work. To be honest, I even stretched my degree a bit to replace as many normal classes as possible for discipleship/spiritual formation classes. In all my experiences so far, formation and psychology are pretty great at being roommates. In fact, a lot of my confidence and passion for the gospel comes from seeing how well they get along with one another. My training and background puts "Positive" relationships as among the highest prizes in life (and I am sure they still are). However, my idea of this pedestal and its pursuit means weeding out neutral and negative relationships, burning bridges, and forgetting what came before (except to grow in anticipation of future Positive relationships). Paul even seems to suggest as much in passages like 1 Corinthians 15:33 "Do not be deceived: 'Bad company corrupts good morals' ". However, with the smoke rising behind me, I wonder if I see Jesus' silhouette confronting me at the end of the burning bridge.
Do Neutral and Negative relationships matter? Does loving one's enemies mean more than smiling on my way out the door? Does it mean simply not hurting my enemies and pretending to be engaged by the Pity Friend? Do these relationships matter in the kingdom of God? My current paradigm sees gifts to the Pity Friend and enemy as tribute to God. I am only really trying to serve Him and love Him. In this sense, Jesus steps in the place of the Pity Friend and Enemy, making the Neutral and Negative into Positive. Matthew 25:31-46 speaks in such a way, saying that serving the poor means really serving Jesus. I guess that also means Relationally poor. But... doesn't that make the poor person disappear? When I look at my Pity Friend, am I trying to squint my eyes very hard until I see Jesus and the Pity Friend is no more? Isn't this why Pity Friendships end? Even on the receiving end, I ended up feeling really disappointed in what happened, not energized, because I came to realize what was happening. Also, what I have seen in psychology is that one way relationships are unhealthy. I have seen them wound friends, especially in the context of romantic relationships.
On top of this surprise, Jesus also wants me to love my enemies. Again, I know the familiar mantra about forgiving and setting up healthy boundaries. Those make sense. However, I think life is more complicated than that. I think we hurt each other more often than we realize. The friend, the lover, and the co-worker can all become enemies overnight. And then we are stuck in the twilight of conflict, figuring out if this relationship is positive, negative, neutral, or some special case of its own beyond labels. A bitter friendship can become burned with the blessings and well-wishes of psychology trying to make the bitter into bitter-sweet. Does Jesus ask us to work hard at relationships that are not Positive? Do we work at neutral and negative relationships or let them burn on the horizon? If you saw last weeks blog post, you would see that I defined unfaithfulness as "withholding appropriate love that one is capable of giving". This is the guideline I have now for the transition from positive to neutral/negative relationships. If giving and receiving appropriate love is the foundation for all of our relationships, what happens when the standard is no longer love. I guess I'm asking (*cue music*) "What is love?" I find love dies and stays dead in these relationships, so what does Jesus mean?
Marriages in particular seem to be the best testing ground for these thoughts as the shift between positive, neutral, and negative can happens from day to day or even hour to hour. A confusing topic, to be sure.
Let me know your thoughts and questions as well. Also, don't worry. I am not actively trying to apply this discussion to a current relationship, so don't expect a volatile discussion. And, as always, please be civil and thoughtful in the comments.
Sunday, September 27, 2015
Monday, September 21, 2015
Unfaithfulness: The Withholding of Appropriate Love
I have reflected on and had great conversations about love and relationships the past couple of weeks, but have also been thinking through what it looks like when relationships break down as well. Part of the reason for this reflection has been the divorce of several people I have known over the past several years. The other reason was wanting to get a more robust definition and value for marriage. Here, I wish to share where me and my friends are at in understanding these values.
To start off with, we have come to define the gospel as giving and receiving appropriate love (shout-out to awesome friend Jonathan Huegel). Christ came to pay the price for our sins and to repair the damage we did by sinning against God and one another. As we anticipate the reunification of heaven and earth, we work to repair the world by also giving and receiving appropriate love as well as to build our character over time to better participate in this kingdom work.
When we got around to looking at marriage, we also came to understand that marriage was the codification of the gospel into a strictly enforced relationship. A man and a woman come together to give and receive appropriate love, to build character in each other, and to demonstrate the gospel to others through their relationship. (This dynamic applies in the lives of singles as well.) By defining marriage this way, it became easier to look at what good reasons for divorce might be. These days, the reasons for separating are becoming more flippant and based on emotion. However, when we read Matthew 19:9, we read:
"And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery." (NASB)
The word for immorality is "porneia", which can mean unlawful sexual intercourse, prostitution, unchastity, or fornication. However, the word has also been traditionally rendered "unfaithfulness" as well. This word and concept creates a lot of the discussion surrounding when it is appropriate or inappropriate to divorce. However, when we look at the larger concept around marriage being the giving and receiving of appropriate love, "porneia" is seen to break the very essence of marriage by giving inappropriate love to someone else, which includes withholding appropriate love from one's spouse. Following that line of thought, other actions and situations can also fit into the essence of what "porneia" does to a marriage relationships, breaking its very essence. That is why I feel comfortable saying that unfaithfulness is grounds for divorce. This unfaithfulness, though, is more than having boredom or a bad evening.
Unfaithfulness is withholding appropriate love that one is capable of giving or giving inappropriate love. Follow this line further, and one sees that unfaithfulness is akin to sin itself. I think sin can also be said as withholding appropriate love that one is capable of giving. We sinned against God by withholding love from him that we were capable of giving. In the garden, Eve withholds the love of appropriate obedience from God by eating the forbidden fruit. Friendships end whenever one friend withholds appropriate love consistently over time. Church members are sent out of churches for withholding appropriate love, whether the love of obedience to Christ or the love of acting appropriately towards one's brothers and sisters in Christ. Inversely, we also see relationships end when one gives inappropriate love.
Now, we all sin and ask forgiveness for our sins. We ask for the healing of our withholding of appropriate love by asking for the appropriate love of others to fill the gap. We ask for grace, love we did not earn, and for mercy, love in the place of punishment. However, when one is engaged in prolonged sin, mercy no longer becomes appropriate love. Instead, judgment becomes appropriate love. Here, we see the insight behind the church discipline in 1 Corinthians 5:5 "I have decided to deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of his flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus." Church discipline is both withholding inappropriate love and giving appropriate love by making someone experience the fruit that their consistent unfaithfulness will bear over time. That is why Paul goes on to say that consistent, unrepentant, Christian sinning must be pushed out of the church. This happens in community in love. The appropriate love we have been showing one another in community becomes the context in which inappropriate love is confronted. Matthew 18:15-17 says
"If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector."
When one persists in inappropriate love, he is shown the contrast between his inappropriate love and the appropriate love of the church gradually. If he still does not see that his love is inappropriate, the church pushes him out completely, both to preserve the appropriate love of the assembly and to teach appropriate love by showing him how inappropriate the love of the world really is.
The last question of the matter should be obvious. "How do we know what is appropriate vs inappropriate love?" Beyond, but not neglecting, the easy answer that the Bible tell us what is and is not sin, the gospels do a great job of teaching us what is and is not appropriate love. Specifically, the Sermon on the Mount shows us what is and is not appropriate love. Matthew 5-7 goes on at length on this subject, starting with the beatitudes, but that is a discussion for another day.
Each situation is different and marriages are especially difficult to grow, mend, or end. However, as we grow in Christian character and grow familiar with appropriate love, we become familiar with the essence of marriage itself. When a spouse persists in unfaithfulness, either of inappropriate love or withholding appropriate love, she chews away at the fabric of the marriage itself. A marriage, as any relationships, can end well before the end is officially recognized. That is why the church's job is not to hold marriages together at all costs. That law of marriage is not what Jesus came to uphold. He came to uphold the spirit of marriage, which is the gospel. The job of the church is to mentor all couples (as well as all people) in this gospel love. When one spouse subsists in sin, the church needs to help the couple to heal the sin rather than allow it to fester until the word "divorce" hits the air, swooping in to get rid of the word and restore the status quo. Instead, it is the gospel duty of the church to invest in and pursue appropriate love, whether that means helping a couple to fight through the storm or comforting them if they must abandon the ship.
To start off with, we have come to define the gospel as giving and receiving appropriate love (shout-out to awesome friend Jonathan Huegel). Christ came to pay the price for our sins and to repair the damage we did by sinning against God and one another. As we anticipate the reunification of heaven and earth, we work to repair the world by also giving and receiving appropriate love as well as to build our character over time to better participate in this kingdom work.
When we got around to looking at marriage, we also came to understand that marriage was the codification of the gospel into a strictly enforced relationship. A man and a woman come together to give and receive appropriate love, to build character in each other, and to demonstrate the gospel to others through their relationship. (This dynamic applies in the lives of singles as well.) By defining marriage this way, it became easier to look at what good reasons for divorce might be. These days, the reasons for separating are becoming more flippant and based on emotion. However, when we read Matthew 19:9, we read:
"And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery." (NASB)
The word for immorality is "porneia", which can mean unlawful sexual intercourse, prostitution, unchastity, or fornication. However, the word has also been traditionally rendered "unfaithfulness" as well. This word and concept creates a lot of the discussion surrounding when it is appropriate or inappropriate to divorce. However, when we look at the larger concept around marriage being the giving and receiving of appropriate love, "porneia" is seen to break the very essence of marriage by giving inappropriate love to someone else, which includes withholding appropriate love from one's spouse. Following that line of thought, other actions and situations can also fit into the essence of what "porneia" does to a marriage relationships, breaking its very essence. That is why I feel comfortable saying that unfaithfulness is grounds for divorce. This unfaithfulness, though, is more than having boredom or a bad evening.
Unfaithfulness is withholding appropriate love that one is capable of giving or giving inappropriate love. Follow this line further, and one sees that unfaithfulness is akin to sin itself. I think sin can also be said as withholding appropriate love that one is capable of giving. We sinned against God by withholding love from him that we were capable of giving. In the garden, Eve withholds the love of appropriate obedience from God by eating the forbidden fruit. Friendships end whenever one friend withholds appropriate love consistently over time. Church members are sent out of churches for withholding appropriate love, whether the love of obedience to Christ or the love of acting appropriately towards one's brothers and sisters in Christ. Inversely, we also see relationships end when one gives inappropriate love.
Now, we all sin and ask forgiveness for our sins. We ask for the healing of our withholding of appropriate love by asking for the appropriate love of others to fill the gap. We ask for grace, love we did not earn, and for mercy, love in the place of punishment. However, when one is engaged in prolonged sin, mercy no longer becomes appropriate love. Instead, judgment becomes appropriate love. Here, we see the insight behind the church discipline in 1 Corinthians 5:5 "I have decided to deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of his flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus." Church discipline is both withholding inappropriate love and giving appropriate love by making someone experience the fruit that their consistent unfaithfulness will bear over time. That is why Paul goes on to say that consistent, unrepentant, Christian sinning must be pushed out of the church. This happens in community in love. The appropriate love we have been showing one another in community becomes the context in which inappropriate love is confronted. Matthew 18:15-17 says
"If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector."
When one persists in inappropriate love, he is shown the contrast between his inappropriate love and the appropriate love of the church gradually. If he still does not see that his love is inappropriate, the church pushes him out completely, both to preserve the appropriate love of the assembly and to teach appropriate love by showing him how inappropriate the love of the world really is.
The last question of the matter should be obvious. "How do we know what is appropriate vs inappropriate love?" Beyond, but not neglecting, the easy answer that the Bible tell us what is and is not sin, the gospels do a great job of teaching us what is and is not appropriate love. Specifically, the Sermon on the Mount shows us what is and is not appropriate love. Matthew 5-7 goes on at length on this subject, starting with the beatitudes, but that is a discussion for another day.
Each situation is different and marriages are especially difficult to grow, mend, or end. However, as we grow in Christian character and grow familiar with appropriate love, we become familiar with the essence of marriage itself. When a spouse persists in unfaithfulness, either of inappropriate love or withholding appropriate love, she chews away at the fabric of the marriage itself. A marriage, as any relationships, can end well before the end is officially recognized. That is why the church's job is not to hold marriages together at all costs. That law of marriage is not what Jesus came to uphold. He came to uphold the spirit of marriage, which is the gospel. The job of the church is to mentor all couples (as well as all people) in this gospel love. When one spouse subsists in sin, the church needs to help the couple to heal the sin rather than allow it to fester until the word "divorce" hits the air, swooping in to get rid of the word and restore the status quo. Instead, it is the gospel duty of the church to invest in and pursue appropriate love, whether that means helping a couple to fight through the storm or comforting them if they must abandon the ship.
Monday, September 14, 2015
Minimalism: Reducing the Noise and Clutter of Life
There is a small movement in parts of America today known as Minimalism. It has a very simple concept: reduce the amount of possessions that you own in order to gain freedom. As we own less, we become freer to use our time and possessions as we please, but we also gain the freedom to experience the presence of God in the here and now. Disconnecting from owning so much also frees our spirit to appreciate the little we do have; we become more thoughtful and awake in our daily life. This movement follows the example of Christ, who asked us to sell all that we own to the poor. We love, serve, and bless others with our excess and use our new found freedom to become present to other people as well. In an age that uses technology to mitigate loneliness, we expose ourselves to silence, loneliness, and empty time in order to focus on what and who matters most.
A good start for implementing minimalism is by using a one year litmus test, seeing how often a possession is used within a year and rethinking its possession if it is not touched once during the year. For instance, with clothing, a practical way to measure this test is by facing all the hangers in the same direction. After an outfit has been worn and washed, put it back on the hanger facing the opposite direction. After a year has passed, see which outfits have been worn and which ones have not and you will quickly find that many outfits don't meet the need they were originally intended to serve.
If you are well-off, minimalism might mean reconsidering the size of the estate you occupy. If you have more meager means, another approach would be to consider the little trinkets that take up most of your time from books and games to movies and clothing. The litmus test in these situations is an honest appraisal of what increases your joy and what does not. If some items bring meaning, depth, or fun to life, they can stay with the understanding that breaks will be taken from their use, otherwise known as fasts. Fasts are great practices that help us push into abstaining from even what we really do need for short periods of time. Oftentimes, fasts work in the opposite direction for me, with short-term fasts of an item or food turning into a realization that I wanted my life to stay the way it had during the fast, securing a piece of long-term freedom for my life and time with God.
If you have had any good experiences with minimalism or fasting, let me know and we'll have a good conversation.
A good start for implementing minimalism is by using a one year litmus test, seeing how often a possession is used within a year and rethinking its possession if it is not touched once during the year. For instance, with clothing, a practical way to measure this test is by facing all the hangers in the same direction. After an outfit has been worn and washed, put it back on the hanger facing the opposite direction. After a year has passed, see which outfits have been worn and which ones have not and you will quickly find that many outfits don't meet the need they were originally intended to serve.
If you are well-off, minimalism might mean reconsidering the size of the estate you occupy. If you have more meager means, another approach would be to consider the little trinkets that take up most of your time from books and games to movies and clothing. The litmus test in these situations is an honest appraisal of what increases your joy and what does not. If some items bring meaning, depth, or fun to life, they can stay with the understanding that breaks will be taken from their use, otherwise known as fasts. Fasts are great practices that help us push into abstaining from even what we really do need for short periods of time. Oftentimes, fasts work in the opposite direction for me, with short-term fasts of an item or food turning into a realization that I wanted my life to stay the way it had during the fast, securing a piece of long-term freedom for my life and time with God.
If you have had any good experiences with minimalism or fasting, let me know and we'll have a good conversation.
Sunday, September 6, 2015
Hurry Slowly: The Importance of Slowing Down
As I've transitioned to the Houston area, I have been in the midst of a lot of change and have been eager to get everything in my life worked out quickly, a little too quickly sometimes. Throughout my time at seminary, I was shown the importance of silence and solitude at seminary, especially because our culture tries to speed us up and overwork us, both in business and in pleasure. However, I have come to find out that there are several myths behind why I move so quickly.
Firstly, I have come to believe in large part that if I don't provide for myself, I won't get what I am after. The tension between trusting in God and doing our own part seems to be only a heart issue, but I am coming to find out that the difference between trust and not trust actually is reflected in our actions as well. When we "slow down to speed up", we take time to make decisions and pursue our goals. This slower pace makes it easier to hear and follow the voice of God. A good friend of mine calls this "hurrying slowly". For instance, I can rush in and out of romantic situations hoping to discern quickly whether any given match is a good fit. This comes from the belief that God will not provide the relationships that I need. While we don't sit on our hands and wait for life to come to us, we take our pace slowly, bringing up the sail of our hearts so that it can be guided by the hand of God. Therefore, whether it comes to job, relationship, or moving decisions, the best way to acquire the discernment to move forward is to have already developed the habit of slowing down in order to listen to God.
Secondly, I believe that our culture has come to worship and idolize those who make decisions very quickly. They are the leaders who can step up to the helm in the midst of chaos and bring order. However, while one can go too slow, I am coming to realize that even the most discerning Christians I know were never able to discern the character or people or the health of environments without slowing down, listening, and giving months to this process of discernment.
Third, I have come to realize that even the successes that I have when moving quickly really came from the hand of God. He was the one who connected the dots and opened the doors. When I realize that, I gain the hope and freedom necessary to slow down and listen to the dear small voice of God.
Firstly, I have come to believe in large part that if I don't provide for myself, I won't get what I am after. The tension between trusting in God and doing our own part seems to be only a heart issue, but I am coming to find out that the difference between trust and not trust actually is reflected in our actions as well. When we "slow down to speed up", we take time to make decisions and pursue our goals. This slower pace makes it easier to hear and follow the voice of God. A good friend of mine calls this "hurrying slowly". For instance, I can rush in and out of romantic situations hoping to discern quickly whether any given match is a good fit. This comes from the belief that God will not provide the relationships that I need. While we don't sit on our hands and wait for life to come to us, we take our pace slowly, bringing up the sail of our hearts so that it can be guided by the hand of God. Therefore, whether it comes to job, relationship, or moving decisions, the best way to acquire the discernment to move forward is to have already developed the habit of slowing down in order to listen to God.
Secondly, I believe that our culture has come to worship and idolize those who make decisions very quickly. They are the leaders who can step up to the helm in the midst of chaos and bring order. However, while one can go too slow, I am coming to realize that even the most discerning Christians I know were never able to discern the character or people or the health of environments without slowing down, listening, and giving months to this process of discernment.
Third, I have come to realize that even the successes that I have when moving quickly really came from the hand of God. He was the one who connected the dots and opened the doors. When I realize that, I gain the hope and freedom necessary to slow down and listen to the dear small voice of God.
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