In learning to become a better listener, I have started to realize how often our interactions with others are more influenced by cultural norms than we might realize. From mealtimes to dress codes, there are a myriad of ways our conduct is governed by an invisible hand. Not that this governance has to be bad, but there are times when our blindness to cultural norms holds us back from showing empathy to those around us.
One of the most hurtful norms in our culture for showing empathy is the social cue of skepticism. Whether at the workplace or at home, our culture's high valuation of logic and sound reasoning makes us relate differently to those around us. For instance, when a friend is relating an argument that he had at work, the usual expectation is that we help them see how they could be wrong. We, as the faithful skeptic friend, are expected to ask the questions that will help them show where their reasoning was not quite sound. There are holes to be found. How was your body language? Did you do anything to set the other person off? Had you noticed the person was in a bad mood before you made that request? In asking these questions, we are supposed to be helping our friend gain more objectivity. The logic goes that if the same person faces the same situation again, their improved logic will allow them to navigate similar situations in the future.
However, when I look at this approach of listening to others, I think it might be a failure in the art of listening. I suppose if the friend explicitly asks for more objectivity and advice, this approach might be fair. In most other instances, though, advising in the midst of conversation puts the horse behind the carriage. Our primary call as Christians is to show love to those around us. While assisting in objectivity can be a form of love, the call to love is also the call to listen. To listen carefully. And when we have come to a complete understanding of the context, we should listen some more. Women are better at understanding this nuance. They are better at listening for feelings and simply listening for its own sake. Also, when we listen without poking holes in someone's logic, we build trust in those around us that we truly value and do not judge them. The difference is the difference between council and advice. Advice will be given whether it is wanted or not. Council is sought out, asked for, and given in love. By turning off our default to skepticism, we quiet down the chatter and noise in our heads (especially the noise formulating counterarguments) so that we have mental and emotional space to contain the story of the speaker. And by listening better to others, not only do we hear their stories better, but we are better equipped to see how God is present in their lives.
