In my conversations about the marriage and freedom debates shaping the American landscape, I find myself wondering about the survival of the very concept of marriage into the twenty-first century. As we have, as a nation, reexamined and debated the meaning of marriage over and over again, marriage itself seems to have waned in importance. If the goal of marriage is the experience of romantic love, I believe that the debates over who can get married will give way to debates on whether marriage itself is as wonderful as once believed.
The relationship status known as "cohabitation" or "living together" has largely taken the place of marriage in the same way that wireless phone carriers and cable companies have learned that consumers are more interested in relationships without contracts. In the case of phone carriers, consumers have learned to fear promising packages up front that are later transformed to unfavorable terms once a contract has been signed. In the same way, discerning couples in the modern "love marketplace" are learning that years of marriage may reveal unintended transformation of the package they signed up for. Thus, escaping the contract model gives all consumers the ability to fluidly meet their needs on the fly, capable of major relationship changes over the course of days. Additionally, our generation is more aware than ever that weddings and rehearsals are often unwelcome drains on finances and awkward reintroductions to distant family.
The only road bump that I see on the way to cohabitation is the place of children in American society. We care for our children and are willing to spend a lot of money to make sure they get the best in life. Additionally, stable marriages have proven the only method capable of consistently raising healthy, whole children. If cohabitation became the new norm, these households could prove dangerous and unhealthy for children who don't know what their caretaker situation will be like from day to day as their parents discern the best relational package for the moment. However, if the government or a private business practice found a way to supplement and capitalize on the parenting function that was not horrifying, large groups of people might leave their children to be raised, visiting them for their own joy while bypassing the burdens and pains of parenthood. One can even imagine situations in which conservative groups wishing to diminish abortions and liberal groups wanting to provide a communal approach to child-raising could team up to create a context where children can be dropped off and raised. Currently, this system exists in a proto form as the foster care system, yet the horrors of this system are too well known to be easily marketable. Reform may come one day where a more effective system will come along that effectively raises children, whether through private market competition or through mass overhaul of the foster care system. Once this new system is in place, the final difficult barrier between marriage and cohabitation will go away.
Now, as a Christian, does this change in society scare me? No.
Do I believe in the importance of Christian marriage? Absolutely.
Christians reflecting on marriage often turn to 1 Corinthians 7 for advice on romance and are horrified to find Paul seemingly advocate against marriage. However, this passage has more to show us than first meets the eye and demonstrates the Christian perspective on marriage. First, not only does Paul affirm the desire for sex, he also gives a method of discernment for dating Christians. He says that marriage will pull away Christians from service to God and others. However, Paul is not saying that marriage is unchristian. Quite the opposite really:
"32 I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. 33 But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— 34 and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. 35 I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord." (1 Corinthians 7:32-35, NIV)
Instead of stepping away from service, marriage is a change of service, from serving God and others all of the time to serving one's wife part of the time. Yet, from what Matthew teaches us on service, serving anyone is really serving Christ himself. So, instead of changing from serving to not serving, we are changing from one kind of service to another. Paul thinks that the service of the single is most helpful in his current context, but he shows that both are equally ministry. And herein lies the key to our conversation on marriage disappearing.
When the world chooses marriage as the apex of romantic desire, they are taking a delightful part of the Christian witness and isolating it from the renewed heart in Christ. Since the secular world does not follow Christ, there is no reason for the secular world to try and obey a principle which only belongs to the Way of the Cross. For the world, service is valuable because people in general are valuable and love is valuable because it transcends space and time. However, the deeper level that the Christian sees is that, in addition to finding sex and service valuable, marriage is valuable because we belong to one another. And it is in belonging to one another that sex and service are also transformed. Just as the Bible speaks of Christians belonging to one another by virtue of their baptism, so a Christian marriage involves people belonging to one another. The gospel is not just a radical cleansing of sin, it is the establishment of a community that commits to loving and serving each other for the long haul. Long-term commitment is inherent in the Christian witness, taking a higher priority than the joys of sex and even the goods of service.
You see, cohabitating Christian couples can serve one another, but, without the permanent commitment of marriage, they will never truly belong to one another. Marriage is both a unique service and a spiritual discipline due to this dynamic of long-term commitment. When one signs up for whatever surprises may come with the contract, one learns to not run away from one's problems as well as learn an empathy that only comes from living in community for decades. When a couple looks at each other and presses forward through hardship rather than take the easy way out, they learn more about themselves and show love to the darkest, dirtiest side of their spouse.
That being said, marriage is not entered upon lightly. Those who are not thinking of service when proposing are doing so for the wrong reasons. Additionally, when our friends and family are entering into marriage, we are called to hold them accountable for the love and service that they give to one another. Marriage is a church within the church, a fellowship that exists in relationship with the larger fellowship of church., and a ministry that exists within the larger Kingdom of God. In this way, weddings and baptisms are quite the same thing. This conversation has implications for baptism as well, but this topic is for next time.
As we see marriage disappear from the landscape, we should take hope in the fact that the Christian witness of love, service, and mercy has left a deep mark on the secular American landscape. Even those not raised in the Christian faith are learning to serve and empathize due to the legacy several hard-working Christians have left behind for us. Peace-keeping, service, and other humanitarian institutions exist to this day that apply the Christian principles they were founded on while insisting that they continue to do so without a logical philosophical reason (beyond "social contract theory"). In the same way, as marriage and church-membership become the only vestiges of long-term commitment, the world will be drawn to the deeper love and service that we offer one another. They will be shaped by and drawn to the dynamics that the Christian life brings, especially as rampant individualism and freedom ravage the American landscape, leaving behind a wake of isolation and loneliness. When this happens, the world will change, slowly but surely. No matter how many times the world tries to imitate the Church, they will find themselves sluggishly behind in a race toward the Kingdom of God.
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