Empathy and the Skeptic

In learning to become a better listener, I have started to realize how often our interactions with others are more influenced by cultural norms than we might realize. From mealtimes to dress codes, there are a myriad of ways our conduct is governed by an invisible hand. Not that this governance has to be bad, but there are times when our blindness to cultural norms holds us back from showing empathy to those around us.

One of the most hurtful norms in our culture for showing empathy is the social cue of skepticism. Whether at the workplace or at home, our culture's high valuation of logic and sound reasoning makes us relate differently to those around us. For instance, when a friend is relating an argument that he had at work, the usual expectation is that we help them see how they could be wrong. We, as the faithful skeptic friend, are expected to ask the questions that will help them show where their reasoning was not quite sound. There are holes to be found. How was your body language? Did you do anything to set the other person off? Had you noticed the person was in a bad mood before you made that request? In asking these questions, we are supposed to be helping our friend gain more objectivity. The logic goes that if the same person faces the same situation again, their improved logic will allow them to navigate similar situations in the future.

However, when I look at this approach of listening to others, I think it might be a failure in the art of listening. I suppose if the friend explicitly asks for more objectivity and advice, this approach might be fair. In most other instances, though, advising in the midst of conversation puts the horse behind the carriage. Our primary call as Christians is to show love to those around us. While assisting in objectivity can be a form of love, the call to love is also the call to listen. To listen carefully. And when we have come to a complete understanding of the context, we should listen some more. Women are better at understanding this nuance. They are better at listening for feelings and simply listening for its own sake. Also, when we listen without poking holes in someone's logic, we build trust in those around us that we truly value and do not judge them. The difference is the difference between council and advice. Advice will be given whether it is wanted or not. Council is sought out, asked for, and given in love. By turning off our default to skepticism, we quiet down the chatter and noise in our heads (especially the noise formulating counterarguments) so that we have mental and emotional space to contain the story of the speaker. And by listening better to others, not only do we hear their stories better, but we are better equipped to see how God is present in their lives.

Discipleship: Who Initiates? Ephesians 4:11-16

One of the most interesting discussions in the realm of discipleship is about who initiates the discipleship relationship. I have met many who fall on either side of thought. Some say that one knows a disciple is ready to take the next step in growing in their faith when they are ready to ask for closer help on the journey of faith. Others will say that the mature Christian needs to be actively looking for others to pour into. Someone else might point out the role of the Holy Spirit in bringing two individuals together for the sake of growing. I would like to reflect on this discussion from the angle of Ephesians 4:11-16:

And He gave some as apostles, and some as prophets, and some as evangelists, and some as pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of service, to the building up of the body of Christ; until we all attain to the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a mature man, to the measure of the stature which belongs to the fullness of Christ. As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of scheming; but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ, fitted and held together by what every joint supplies, according to the proper working of each individual part, causes the growth of the body for the building up of itself in love.

 We are bound to one another in the church, called to invest our special gifts and passions into one another. This bind is the special act of God. It is through this process that God protects us from the false teachings and perversions that pass through Christian ranks as well as raises us into who we were meant to become. Bonheoffer offers some relevant thoughts here when he spoke of how being a neighbor means that our gifts are demanded by the other. It is not the quality of the other who forces our hand, but instead out status as neighbor. Our very position demands that we act.

When we make the commitment to Christ, we are making the commitment to join a body of faith. I believe that we are bound on both sides of the equation, seeking out the discipleship relationship regardless of which side of the relationship we end up on. An example that would help clarify this idea is how we unintentionally disciple many of our friends just through daily interaction. Our little stories and encouragement breathe life and maturity into those that we spend time with. The bond that we share with those around us requires responsibility and stewardship. We are always growing. Whether we are growing into better or worse people is mostly up to us. In the same way, we are always discipling. Whether we disciple well or poorly depends on the intentionality and effort put into the relationship. While many discipleship relationships are best left informal, others require a concentrated, organized, and thoughtful interaction in a time specially set apart for formation.

Listen to where God is acting in your week. Who is He letting you influence? Discover if there are relationships that you need to own up to. See if the chance for formation and discipleship is presenting itself. Most importantly, listen to God and others with love, seeking their best and learning how your relationships can bring out full and complete maturity, rather than being satisfied with simply being comfortable.

The Lord's Prayer: Matthew 6:9-13

Before this season in life, I have paid little to no attention to the prayer known as the Lord's Prayer. It always seemed a bit superficial to me and there are many ways in which I wished it elaborated more on the human condition and reflected the variety of emotions shown in something like the book of Psalms. However, I have recently come to a better understanding of the text and wish to share with you what it has done in my life as of late. Here is the passage below:

Pray, then, in this way: Our Father who is in heaven, Hallowed be Your name. Your kingdom come. Your will be done, On earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.

A better understanding of the kingdom of God is the key to getting a grip on this prayer from the Sermon on the Mount. When we see that Jesus died on the cross, not only for the sake of defeating sin but also of defeating death, we see that this prayer is the central concern of the Christian walk, summing up the struggle that we, as Christians, face daily and how that daily struggle fits into the larger schema of God's plan for earth.

We start with the Father, the creator of heaven and earth. His name is holy above all else and is the source of all comforts. In our prayer life, we need to start here, by acknowledging the holiness and lordship of the Father. When we begin in this way, all of our problems, goals, and visions are seen through a new filter. We understand how little our problems are in the hands of a caring and holy God. This section is also where I began to have my old problems with this prayer. When our problems are seen as small by God, He seemed to be uncaring and unfeeling. This problem continues into the next section, which is also where the bigger picture starts to make sense.

In the next section, we see the request for God's Kingdom to come and will to be done in earth as it is in heaven. Continuing the problem from the earlier passage, many have thought that, since our problems are so small in the eyes of God, our request for God's will to be done was a request for our problems to disappear and the later prayer for daily bread as just enough sustenance to keep our bodies moving in pursuit of higher, more spiritual purposes. Instead, a better theology understands that the Father's role as creator continues into the present. He is working through us to bring life into the world in anticipation of the real life that will arrive with the second coming. With this new understanding, we realize that our daily lives, with their little quirks and problems, are the plain within which the almighty and holy God acts. He arrives on the scene, not to trivialize all things, but to affirm their value and reorient their value within the larger picture of the Kingdom of God. He defeats death not just with justification and the atonement, but also with his call to deeper character, a renewed life, and a reassertion of creation's inherent value. Instead of coming as a ghastly apparition, Jesus arrives in a human body and lives a human life, bringing healing and wholeness wherever he goes. His life not only keeps the soul from the fires of hell, but also helps that new life enter into the physical plain.

Our call to sanctification is not a call to abandon our bodies and hopes. They are a call to enjoy them beyond our imagining through the Kingdom of God. This call is not a call to the health and wealth gospel. The world we live in lies to us by making us believe that we can preserve life by hoarding wealth, experiences, and pleasures. This pursuit is attempting to use death to find life. The health and wealth gospel is not much better. It seeks to use God to find the same instruments of death. Health and wealth become death when they steal the love reserved for God alone. True life comes from realizing that the beauty of the world points toward God, not the other way around. Moving forward, this theology means that the beauty of the world is revived and reconciled to the Kingdom of God. The old interpretation meant that the beauty of the world was killed and named as an evil distraction from the non-physical kingdom of God. However, the prayer itself denies this idea! God's will is done on earth because earth itself matters! We see this opposition of ideas in discussions of sex. Some Christian groups have denied the value of sex because they thought it pulled people away from worship of the true God. Instead, they should have seen that sex displays the glory, beauty, and power of God. Our enjoyment of married sex in this present time worships God and anticipates the coming beauty that will be fully restored to the earth, although it will come in a wildly different and more powerful form.

Thus, when we get to the portion about asking for daily bread, we see that we are humbly asking God to enter into our daily losses and victories, looking for God's presence in the mundane as well as the dramatic. Prayer hits the pause button on life, and opens the heart to see where God is around us and what He might be up to. With hope, we recognize the lordship of God, His love enacted through His invasion of the world, and the hope we should have that God is acting to restore beauty and holiness to our lives. The prayer shows the realism to know that God's will and kingdom, while having the victory in hand, have not taken full dominion of the world yet. God has asked us to anticipate his kingdom here while it is also on the way (otherwise known as the "already but not yet").

Moving on, we see that God's concern does not just stop with beauty in this world, but also comes in the formation of character. We ask God to forgive us of our shortcomings as we forgive the same failings of those around us. In a world where God's will has not come to full dominion yet, we see rebellious man (including ourselves) fighting to hold on to control. God's kingdom includes our daily fight to resist sin and forgive the sin which is committed against ourselves. This character is part of the beauty being restored to the world.

Finally, we see that this formation of character is not a matter of willpower (thank God!), but is a partnership between ourselves attempting to put on holiness and God helping us to avoid temptation. Our living testimonies are fights to bring the kingdom of God here and now.

In conclusion, we pray because our Father has fought his way into our world and defeated its master, death. Just like at the beginning, where life came out of nothing, with the coming of Christ, life comes out of death. Death is defeated and tossed aside, never to hold dominion ever again. In the meantime, there is a strange twist in time, where the victory of God has not arrived yet, like the Yankee soldiers who were still fighting battles in the South before news of their victory had yet to arrive. This prayer pauses our lives in the midst of the battle and recalls the story, the struggle, and the hope we have that this life does matter and that help is on its way.

The Ask: Matthew 7:1-6

I have really enjoyed the fresh perspective on the sermon on the mount that I have received from friends and some of the books I have been reading from. One part in particular that has received my attention has been the beginning of Matthew 7. If you have ever heard the phrase: "Judge not lest you be judged as well" or some similar thought, chances are that the quote or phrase was trying to reference this section. Here it is below:

"Do not judge so that you will not be judged. For in the way you judge, you wild be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' and behold, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces."

Traditionally taken by many to be forbidding judgment, this passage is often quoted as a way to avoid the stern judgment of those critical of one's own life. However, while this angle is true of the passage, we often fail to see the heart behind the passage. When we are reading this passage, we see that Jesus wants to avoid having people rush into judgment, but we often think this means that there will be no conversation had at all; no life-giving words exchanged between friends, neighbors, or others seeking to add value to another's life. Instead, we see that Jesus is asking us to slow down and pause. He speaks toward our need for introspection and silence. Often, we try to add to others' lives out of a sense of our own emptiness and death. We think that we can justify our own existence, prove our superiority to others, or gain a sense of maturity from giving advice to others.

On the one hand, we need to learn to slow down and sit with silence and solitude, learning what anxieties and pains are driving us. On the other hand, we are also being asked to be self-aware when we are tempted to give helpful advice to those around us.

I read a sage quote recently that said "Advice will be given to us whether we like it or not. Council is better. It is asked for from others because of the trust that has been established between the two parties." What I see in this quote can be best surmised as "The Ask". When we see a way to guide and help another soul, the way of the kingdom of God is to ask if the advice is welcome. One can see this in the tail end of the above passage, the famous Pearl Before Swine text. When we ask if our advice is welcome, we do two things. First, we learn to respect someone's boundaries and give love appropriately. This practice prevents us from living into our insecurities and points to a love for the other above a love for the self. Second, we prevent ourselves from giving love inappropriately, entering into relationships where either we harm through unwanted advice or codependant relationships where the recipient of advice finds increasing difficulty facing life without help from others.

"The Ask" also represents a larger spirit behind the law, one that does not force itself upon one's neighbors, but instead serves in love, taking the route of the gentle stranger, making progress only where it is welcome. The cavalier spirit of the age bids us to stride into contested waters, holding aloft the sword of righteousness, letting nothing stand in our way. We see resistance as ignorance and diversion as averting the inevitable confrontation. Instead, Jesus asks us to love and serve with gentleness, getting to know others personally before inserting ourselves into their personal affairs, and only doing so with their permission. Instead of striking down the desire to help and give advice, this passage opens the door for it by putting advice-giving way beneath several other virtues: love, patience, kindness, gentleness, joy, etc. As we grow in virtue, we will not only become capable of giving better advice, but we will also grow into discerning individuals who overflow their behavior out of a character of love rather than force progress through an attitude of fear and hate.

Saving Life: Matthew 16:25

In my readings this past week, I have gained a lot more perspective on life, death, and the meaning of the gospel. Before this week, I had never had the pleasure of reading N.T Wright. Well, quite to my surprise, instead of dense theological treatises, I found out that his writings were quite practical and close to the heart.

He spoke of how Christ's physical resurrection means our lives do, in fact, matter. We suffer from death in many ways besides the physical kind. We see death in the end of relationships, poverty, transitions, loneliness, and grief. Christ's defeat of death includes all of the above in addition the physical kind. In the end, Wright argues that there are remains of what we do here in the life after life after death. The details are a bit foggy, but living intentionally in this life is not like oiling the wheels of a cart that is headed towards a cliff.

This news is great to hear and gives us hope for this life. Also, it gives us the hope to stop using death as a means to get life. Whenever porn, drugs, or alcohol is used to dull the pain of different deaths we experience, we are serving death and trying to fight death with death. When we settle for bad relationships instead of meaningful solitude or theft and vanity over poverty and unpopularity, we do the same thing. We are trying to fight death with death. And, without the resurrection, death is the best tool that we have. When we see tyrannical governments, we see that they are immensely threatened by Christianity because it takes their only true weapon, death, and removes it from the picture entirely.

So, when we get to Matthew 16:24-25, we see Jesus saying to his disciples: "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it." If we believe the mistaken gospel and say that Jesus came to save us for a disembodied heaven, we make Jesus out to be a liar here. We see members in our church who don't serve Christ and we are left to either sigh or threaten them with the loss of their salvation. And if the threat works, they ask how much sin is allowed and where the line is that salvation ends and live on the edge of the line. And if all we have to look forward to is a disembodied heaven with no remnant of this life, living on the edge is the best place to be! As one person says, "He who dies in debt, wins". Why plough through life when the easy life awaits and both work and sloth produce the same result? I used to try to answer this question through "fulfillment", with the concept that living in Christ is more "fulfilling" in the long run over the easy life. While this may be true for some, for others it is not. Not only so, but if this were the reason for sanctification, pastoral work would be like being an anesthesiologist, only there to take the pain away. If sanctification is just about pain management, sin does a better job of making us forget our pain than virtue does, even if morality has some greater long-run return on investment. We gain the hope that morality in this life matters. Yes, all Christians go to heaven, but some by the skin of their teeth (like in 1 Corinthians 3:11-15) while others get to enjoy some legacy of what came before. Again, the details are foggy, but this life matters. Poetry, fun, relationships, serving the poor, and virtue all matter!

I have often envied my friends who got to enjoy sin while I had to choose the hard road. Sometimes, this envy would result in actual sin. Most of the time, though, it grew and harbored bitterness in my heart, especially as I failed to see virtue result in blessings, better job positions, and relational bliss. Additionally, every time I have moved to a new city, I had despair from seeing how those who chose sin consistently walked away with connections, popularity, job positions, and financial security while I moved away to somewhat the opposite. The death of transition made them the victors. It would seem that their spiritual death had gained life while my spiritual life gained death. There is a way in which those memories become increasingly lonely, with me being the only person who can remember what really happened, with both the moments of pain and the moments of joy. But I see now that God is in every moment of life. I see that choosing life in Christ daily is actually saving life for the resurrection. Something is carried on. God is truly present in all things. Life matters and we have a chance to save it each day.

Pity Friendships- Matthew 5:43-47

A pang of guilt registers in your heart. You see the lonely kid at the cafeteria table by himself and are left with what seems like an obvious choice: enjoy yourself with your friends or do the morally good thing by sitting awkwardly with the kid who has no friends. The phrase I use for this encounter and relationship is the "Pity Friendship". To be honest, I don't know how to feel about this relationship. I have been on both the giving and receiving side of pity friendships and never have known how to feel. Because, after enough time, the receiver figures out that the relationship was never really there to begin with and either satisfies himself on the crumbs he has, chooses authentic solitude over fake friendship, or eventually finds real friends that he connects with.

This seemingly trivial and passing occurrence has some import to me, however, as I consider Jesus' teaching in the Sermon on the Mount, specifically in Matthew 5:43-47:

"You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you... For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same?"

If we are called to love our enemies, how much more our Pity Friend? How does that even work? For a helpful tool, I would like to refer to relationships in the terms "Positive" for true friends, "Neutral" for pity friends and other one-way relationships, and "Negative" for one's relationship with one's enemies.

I find that Jesus' words crack my paradigm here and, I know this may sound surprising, but I don't know what paradigm to replace my old one with. Yes, you are reading a blog about a topic that I have know idea what to say about. No solution. I was kind of hoping you, the reader, might have something to contribute since I am actively working through these thoughts myself. To give you a better idea of why I find myself stuck, let me tell you more about myself. I find myself very comfortable with the intersection of religion and psychology. I have a passion for growth and specialized in growth for my MDiv work. To be honest, I even stretched my degree a bit to replace as many normal classes as possible for discipleship/spiritual formation classes. In all my experiences so far, formation and psychology are pretty great at being roommates. In fact, a lot of my confidence and passion for the gospel comes from seeing how well they get along with one another. My training and background puts "Positive" relationships as among the highest prizes in life (and I am sure they still are). However, my idea of this pedestal and its pursuit means weeding out neutral and negative relationships, burning bridges, and forgetting what came before (except to grow in anticipation of future Positive relationships). Paul even seems to suggest as much in passages like 1 Corinthians 15:33 "Do not be deceived: 'Bad company corrupts good morals' ". However, with the smoke rising behind me, I wonder if I see Jesus' silhouette confronting me at the end of the burning bridge.

Do Neutral and Negative relationships matter? Does loving one's enemies mean more than smiling on my way out the door? Does it mean simply not hurting my enemies and pretending to be engaged by the Pity Friend? Do these relationships matter in the kingdom of God? My current paradigm sees gifts to the Pity Friend and enemy as tribute to God. I am only really trying to serve Him and love Him. In this sense, Jesus steps in the place of the Pity Friend and Enemy, making the Neutral and Negative into Positive. Matthew 25:31-46 speaks in such a way, saying that serving the poor means really serving Jesus. I guess that also means Relationally poor. But... doesn't that make the poor person disappear? When I look at my Pity Friend, am I trying to squint my eyes very hard until I see Jesus and the Pity Friend is no more? Isn't this why Pity Friendships end? Even on the receiving end, I ended up feeling really disappointed in what happened, not energized, because I came to realize what was happening. Also, what I have seen in psychology is that one way relationships are unhealthy. I have seen them wound friends, especially in the context of romantic relationships.

On top of this surprise, Jesus also wants me to love my enemies. Again, I know the familiar mantra about forgiving and setting up healthy boundaries. Those make sense. However, I think life is more complicated than that. I think we hurt each other more often than we realize. The friend, the lover, and the co-worker can all become enemies overnight. And then we are stuck in the twilight of conflict, figuring out if this relationship is positive, negative, neutral, or some special case of its own beyond labels. A bitter friendship can become burned with the blessings and well-wishes of psychology trying to make the bitter into bitter-sweet. Does Jesus ask us to work hard at relationships that are not Positive? Do we work at neutral and negative relationships or let them burn on the horizon? If you saw last weeks blog post, you would see that I defined unfaithfulness as "withholding appropriate love that one is capable of giving". This is the guideline I have now for the transition from positive to neutral/negative relationships. If giving and receiving appropriate love is the foundation for all of our relationships, what happens when the standard is no longer love. I guess I'm asking (*cue music*) "What is love?" I find love dies and stays dead in these relationships, so what does Jesus mean?

Marriages in particular seem to be the best testing ground for these thoughts as the shift between positive, neutral, and negative can happens from day to day or even hour to hour. A confusing topic, to be sure.

Let me know your thoughts and questions as well. Also, don't worry. I am not actively trying to apply this discussion to a current relationship, so don't expect a volatile discussion. And, as always, please be civil and thoughtful in the comments.

Unfaithfulness: The Withholding of Appropriate Love

I have reflected on and had great conversations about love and relationships the past couple of weeks,  but have also been thinking through what it looks like when relationships break down as well. Part of the reason for this reflection has been the divorce of several people I have known over the past several years. The other reason was wanting to get a more robust definition and value for marriage. Here, I wish to share where me and my friends are at in understanding these values.

To start off with, we have come to define the gospel as giving and receiving appropriate love (shout-out to awesome friend Jonathan Huegel). Christ came to pay the price for our sins and to repair the damage we did by sinning against God and one another. As we anticipate the reunification of heaven and earth, we work to repair the world by also giving and receiving appropriate love as well as to build our character over time to better participate in this kingdom work.

When we got around to looking at marriage, we also came to understand that marriage was the codification of the gospel into a strictly enforced relationship. A man and a woman come together to give and receive appropriate love, to build character in each other, and to demonstrate the gospel to others through their relationship. (This dynamic applies in the lives of singles as well.) By defining marriage this way, it became easier to look at what good reasons for divorce might be. These days, the reasons for separating are becoming more flippant and based on emotion. However, when we read Matthew 19:9, we read:

"And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery." (NASB)

The word for immorality is "porneia", which can mean unlawful sexual intercourse, prostitution, unchastity, or fornication. However, the word has also been traditionally rendered "unfaithfulness" as well. This word and concept creates a lot of the discussion surrounding when it is appropriate or inappropriate to divorce. However, when we look at the larger concept around marriage being the giving and receiving of appropriate love, "porneia" is seen to break the very essence of marriage by giving inappropriate love to someone else, which includes withholding appropriate love from one's spouse. Following that line of thought, other actions and situations can also fit into the essence of what "porneia" does to a marriage relationships, breaking its very essence. That is why I feel comfortable saying that unfaithfulness is grounds for divorce. This unfaithfulness, though, is more than having boredom or a bad evening.

Unfaithfulness is withholding appropriate love that one is capable of giving or giving inappropriate love. Follow this line further, and one sees that unfaithfulness is akin to sin itself. I think sin can also be said as withholding appropriate love that one is capable of giving. We sinned against God by withholding love from him that we were capable of giving. In the garden, Eve withholds the love of appropriate obedience from God by eating the forbidden fruit. Friendships end whenever one friend withholds appropriate love consistently over time. Church members are sent out of churches for withholding appropriate love, whether the love of obedience to Christ or the love of acting appropriately towards one's brothers and sisters in Christ. Inversely, we also see relationships end when one gives inappropriate love.

Now, we all sin and ask forgiveness for our sins. We ask for the healing of our withholding of appropriate love by asking for the appropriate love of others to fill the gap. We ask for grace, love we did not earn, and for mercy, love in the place of punishment. However, when one is engaged in prolonged sin, mercy no longer becomes appropriate love. Instead, judgment becomes appropriate love. Here, we see the insight behind the church discipline in 1 Corinthians 5:5 "I have decided to deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of his flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus." Church discipline is both withholding inappropriate love and giving appropriate love by making someone experience the fruit that their consistent unfaithfulness will bear over time. That is why Paul goes on to say that consistent, unrepentant, Christian sinning must be pushed out of the church. This happens in community in love. The appropriate love we have been showing one another in community becomes the context in which inappropriate love is confronted. Matthew 18:15-17 says

"If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector."

When one persists in inappropriate love, he is shown the contrast between his inappropriate love and the appropriate love of the church gradually. If he still does not see that his love is inappropriate, the church pushes him out completely, both to preserve the appropriate love of the assembly and to teach appropriate love by showing him how inappropriate the love of the world really is.

The last question of the matter should be obvious. "How do we know what is appropriate vs inappropriate love?" Beyond, but not neglecting, the easy answer that the Bible tell us what is and is not sin, the gospels do a great job of teaching us what is and is not appropriate love. Specifically, the Sermon on the Mount shows us what is and is not appropriate love. Matthew 5-7 goes on at length on this subject, starting with the beatitudes, but that is a discussion for another day.

Each situation is different and marriages are especially difficult to grow, mend, or end. However, as we grow in Christian character and grow familiar with appropriate love, we become familiar with the essence of marriage itself. When a spouse persists in unfaithfulness, either of inappropriate love or withholding appropriate love, she chews away at the fabric of the marriage itself. A marriage, as any relationships, can end well before the end is officially recognized. That is why the church's job is not to hold marriages together at all costs. That law of marriage is not what Jesus came to uphold. He came to uphold the spirit of marriage, which is the gospel. The job of the church is to mentor all couples (as well as all people) in this gospel love. When one spouse subsists in sin, the church needs to help the couple to heal the sin rather than allow it to fester until the word "divorce" hits the air, swooping in to get rid of the word and restore the status quo. Instead, it is the gospel duty of the church to invest in and pursue appropriate love, whether that means helping a couple to fight through the storm or comforting them if they must abandon the ship.

Minimalism: Reducing the Noise and Clutter of Life

There is a small movement in parts of America today known as Minimalism. It has a very simple concept: reduce the amount of possessions that you own in order to gain freedom. As we own less, we become freer to use our time and possessions as we please, but we also gain the freedom to experience the presence of God in the here and now. Disconnecting from owning so much also frees our spirit to appreciate the little we do have; we become more thoughtful and awake in our daily life. This movement follows the example of Christ, who asked us to sell all that we own to the poor. We love, serve, and bless others with our excess and use our new found freedom to become present to other people as well. In an age that uses technology to mitigate loneliness, we expose ourselves to silence, loneliness, and empty time in order to focus on what and who matters most.

A good start for implementing minimalism is by using a one year litmus test, seeing how often a possession is used within a year and rethinking its possession if it is not touched once during the year. For instance, with clothing, a practical way to measure this test is by facing all the hangers in the same direction. After an outfit has been worn and washed, put it back on the hanger facing the opposite direction. After a year has passed, see which outfits have been worn and which ones have not and you will quickly find that many outfits don't meet the need they were originally intended to serve.

If you are well-off, minimalism might mean reconsidering the size of the estate you occupy. If you have more meager means, another approach would be to consider the little trinkets that take up most of your time from books and games to movies and clothing. The litmus test in these situations is an honest appraisal of what increases your joy and what does not. If some items bring meaning, depth, or fun to life, they can stay with the understanding that breaks will be taken from their use, otherwise known as fasts. Fasts are great practices that help us push into abstaining from even what we really do need for short periods of time. Oftentimes, fasts work in the opposite direction for me, with short-term fasts of an item or food turning into a realization that I wanted my life to stay the way it had during the fast, securing a piece of long-term freedom for my life and time with God.

If you have had any good experiences with minimalism or fasting, let me know and we'll have a good conversation.

Hurry Slowly: The Importance of Slowing Down

As I've transitioned to the Houston area, I have been in the midst of a lot of change and have been eager to get everything in my life worked out quickly, a little too quickly sometimes. Throughout my time at seminary, I was shown the importance of silence and solitude at seminary, especially because our culture tries to speed us up and overwork us, both in business and in pleasure. However, I have come to find out that there are several myths behind why I move so quickly.

Firstly, I have come to believe in large part that if I don't provide for myself, I won't get what I am after. The tension between trusting in God and doing our own part seems to be only a heart issue, but I am coming to find out that the difference between trust and not trust actually is reflected in our actions as well. When we "slow down to speed up", we take time to make decisions and pursue our goals. This slower pace makes it easier to hear and follow the voice of God. A good friend of mine calls this "hurrying slowly". For instance, I can rush in and out of romantic situations hoping to discern quickly whether any given match is a good fit. This comes from the belief that God will not provide the relationships that I need. While we don't sit on our hands and wait for life to come to us, we take our pace slowly, bringing up the sail of our hearts so that it can be guided by the hand of God. Therefore, whether it comes to job, relationship, or moving decisions, the best way to acquire the discernment to move forward is to have already developed the habit of slowing down in order to listen to God.

Secondly, I believe that our culture has come to worship and idolize those who make decisions very quickly. They are the leaders who can step up to the helm in the midst of chaos and bring order. However, while one can go too slow, I am coming to realize that even the most discerning Christians I know were never able to discern the character or people or the health of environments without slowing down, listening, and giving months to this process of discernment.

Third, I have come to realize that even the successes that I have when moving quickly really came from the hand of God. He was the one who connected the dots and opened the doors. When I realize that, I gain the hope and freedom necessary to slow down and listen to the dear small voice of God.

Fashion and Spiritual Formation

Rather than introducing a topic that I have a lot of certainty about, I thought I would talk about one that has often been discussed with my friends and continues to be a realm of exploration in theology: clothing and fashion.

Interestingly enough, the culture wars have shut off enough of people's imagination and thoughtfulness that discussions of clothing are usually relegated to sexuality and commercialism, neither of which I want to discuss today. Instead, I would like to talk about the heart and reason behind wearing fashionable clothing in the first place. The Bible itself mostly uses the word modesty to refer to the richness of clothing more so than how revealing and seductive it is. This is the general direction I would like to take as well.

A lot of my concern over the years with fashion has been its use as a manipulative force to control the behavior of others. Many of my close friends are aware of this function of fashion and try to wield this force for good. The power of a good impression allows the wielder to enter the private realms of people's lives in order to work good rather than be locked out at the front door. In some sense, this approach to clothing is biblical, like in 1 Corinthians 9:19-23, which mentions "I have become all things to all men, so that I may by all means save some." The idea, in essence, is that we become what is appeasing to others so that they may welcome us as friends. Additionally, there would be an undertone to this same message that Christians are called to a minimum of appearance so as not to hurt their witness to others.

The trouble seems to be when we forget why we donned the uniform of fashion in the first place and use the same manipulative means for our own ends. Additionally, it seems troubling in the first place that loving and serving others should require the use of manipulative techniques.

Both the good and the evil of this issue run back to the heart of fashion: beauty. In the Bible, we see God adorning his temple and the created order itself with awe-striking magnificence. The good Lord ravishes us with beauty and has designed us to seek the same out in others (i.e. Song of Solomon). Beauty is restorative, healing and bringing back hope to dark and desolate people. We were hard-wired for beauty. When we use beauty to manipulate others, either offensively in entering social circles or defensively in deflecting negative attention, we take steps away from truly beholding beauty in awed silence as intended. Even more complicating is the fact that we use clothing and fashion to communicate all sorts of non-verbal messages, such as ties for expertise and professionalism and suits to signal the difference between formal and semi-formal attire. Thus, we use fashion to signal, manipulate, and awe in our business, romantic, social, and public contexts. My fear of manipulation and the oppression of the weak make me afraid of using fashion. On the other hand, I know that encounters with God in nature and dressing well can boost morale, hope, and self-esteem. So, in conclusion, how do we use and treasure such a powerful resource to grow instead of corrupt our souls?

Totems, Fortresses, and Awareness

I have been musing over the connection between the physical and spiritual realms of late. Part of my training at seminary was in the use of physical implements for spiritual formation and I was hoping to talk about three of these concepts in general: totems, physical fortresses, and awareness practices. All three, while sounding goofy or strange, have deep connections to Christianity and are quite helpful in the pursuit of growth.

In the movie "Inception", the characters each possess a personal object that is called a "totem", whether a chess piece, a spinning top, or a dice. The characters keep their totems on their person at all times because the story involves a world where the characters are sneaking into dreams for corporate gain. The totems only act the way they are supposed to when they are in the real world, as in the case of the top eventually falling instead of spinning forever. In the same way, totems in spirituality are devices that help us connect back with the reality of God and His love for us. Christians and Christian groups have come up with totems that enable them to return to the reality of God's love and lordship in the midst of a world that tries to deceive us with noise, business, and peer pressure. A totem can be a physical object, such as prayer beads, a promise necklace, or a painting, but can be a lot of other things as well. Totems can also be verbal, such as in the case of breath prayers and Taize songs. A breath prayer is a prayer that can be said in a single breath, such as "God help me" or "Where does my help come from?" A very ancient prayer is the Jesus prayer: "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner". These prayers are helpful in that they can be said throughout the day as a way of refocusing on God's presence. The more the prayers are said, the less the totem itself is important than the home that it represents. The totem becomes a meeting place where God and the self can meet, if only for a moment. God is always present, but it brings our attention to that reality. The Taize songs are developed by a monastic group in France and involve singing two lines of a song several times over, as in more than twenty or so times through. The words of the song become less important with each repetition than the actual experience of meeting God. Finally, physical and verbal totems can be used in sequence with one another. This is where the prayer beads come into play. A string of beads has several beads on one string; each bead represents one repetition of a prayer. Thus, one is able to remain focused while repeating a song or breath prayer multiple times. The physical touch of the bead helps the attention span as it tries to wander.

Fortresses are a second concept in physical spirituality that surrounds us more often than we realize. For instance, if one sees an article about roads and rivers segregating ethnicities in several cities (link on my Facebook page), one can see how spiritual realities become embodied in physical locals. This same concept applies to the way that we live and act in our neighborhoods as well as our places of work and worship. We have to be aware of how the walls and actual barriers as well as cultural barriers serve as messages of coldness and distance to the others who may be trying to come and connect with us. What can we do to clean up our work spaces of images and pictures that say "Please don't talk to me" or "you would never understand me"? In the same way, churches that insist upon one cultural style, as embodied in song styles, decorations, and lingo, are indirectly saying that they are not open to an encounter with those who are different. When we change our postures to being more open to new experiences, not only will we create a home for the new and different, but we will also discover that the new and different are already standing in our midst, maybe within our own shoes.

Lastly, awareness is a spiritual discipline that focuses on awareness of one's own body and God's presence in making and sustaining it. One can practice a simple awareness practice by sitting in place and focusing on one's breathing or by focusing on one body part at a time. By think about one body part at a time, I mean focusing on what it feels, from heat and air to texture and moisture, starting with one's fingertips and moving up the arm and elsewhere. Becoming more aware of one's body helps one appreciate what God has given us as well as make us more concerned about how Jesus' lordship also matters a lot when it comes to stewardship of our body. Not only so, but one gains contentment with one's possessions and situation in life when one realizes that one's essential person, who they are, will not change by owning or possessing more things. The saying "we all go naked into the grave and can take nothing with us" is truly appreciated when we focus in on our bodies.

There are more bridges between the physical and spiritual worlds, but I wanted to just muse on these few ideas today. Let me know if you would want to speak more on these topics.

Sincerely,
Simeon

Does Guilt Help Growth? (Discussion)

From my own personal experience, I have not seen guilt achieve a lot in the pursuit of growth. By guilt, I do not mean guilt for sin, but guilt that one should be a good and mature believer. I was preaching a sermon this morning on John 15:5 this morning and spoke on how trying to achieve good things out of our own effort only leads to burnout. Instead, I said that we needed service to come from an overflow of the heart. However, in some classes and books, I am hearing about the need to use discipline and guilt for helping others grow, especially in the early phases. Children will not go to church unless we force them, so why would we let them make the decision on their own? People need to take their faith seriously, but will not do so until they have an external reason like guilt to do so.

Let me list out some of my reasons against guilt in growth, but I'd like to hear your thoughts and see where we end up.

In the world of management, we are told to avoid carrots on a stick to motivate behavior. It is actually possible to make someone stop liking a hobby by giving them incentives to do the hobby. A tangible example of this demotivation comes from the sports world: professional athletes come to dislike the games they play since the game has transformed from meaning relaxation and pleasure to meaning money and fame. Similarly, when we change the motivation for doing good works and growing from participating in the joy of God to filling a hole in one's life, one starts to look away from the prize (God) and look toward fixing their sense of guilt as the ultimate objective.

In the discipleship setting and in the Bible, I have seen that growth and service happen as overflow of the heart. People do nice things for others because they want to. This is my ideal. When we allow people the freedom to avoid costly discipleship because they don't have the desire, we also give them the freedom and space to act out freely if they do want to grow.

Lastly, when we serve out of a sense of guilt, we turn others into objects of ministry. We stop seeing people and we start seeing keys to our guilt problem. We use others to fill a need. Thus, those who serve to fulfill their guilt are no better than those who want to feel good about themselves and care nothing for those who are being served.

On the other hand, I see that there are times that I DON'T want to do spiritual disciplines. In the past, I have been able to practice disciplines until I enjoyed doing them. In these times, I'm not quite sure what to think. Joy can't be forced, yet the disciplines need to be done, right? In this situation, is it better to abandon the discipline or force it because it will create growth long term (especially if one is a kid or a new believer). Is discipline the foundation for freedom? Is freedom the foundation for discipline? Is discipline needed at all? Please share and comment below.

Baptism as Marriage

Last week, I talked about Marriage being similar to Baptism, as an entrance into service and community. However, I think it is just as important to make the reverse comparison: baptism is like marriage.

This comparison shouldn't come as a surprise, especially since this image comes up in places like Ephesians 5:25-33. However, when it comes to baptism today, we don't seem to treat the ceremony as something similar. When I see new believers coming for baptism in the New Testament, I see a change in lifestyle and expectations; they join a community. However, when I say that there is a change in expectations, I am not emphasizing the moral aspect, although this is included. A wedding ceremony is not just a permission ceremony where a man and woman gain permission to have sex for the first time, nor is it an exclusion ceremony where a couple simply forswears romance outside of marriage. The very nature of their relationship changes from one based on simple trust and feelings to being one based in promise and commitment as well.

In church settings, new believers come to be baptized or for membership only to sit on the outside of the church, showing up for Sunday morning worship if for anything at all. Or young believers push for baptism because their friends are doing so, not knowing the choice, commitment, and weight of baptism. Pastors interview young candidates for baptism with a simple doctrinal test: do you believe that Jesus died on the cross for your sins? Are you aware of your own sin? Do you accept Jesus' lordship and payment for your sins? However, while these questions are a great way to learn where someone is on the journey to becoming a Christian, I think they fall drastically short as tests for baptism. This question is not to say that kids can't become Christians, quite the opposite. Kids often have insights that other Christians don't have. However, in my opinion, kids are missing some necessary components of baptism.

Let me explain further: Baptism is seen in the New Testament texts as a submission to church discipline and to the order of the church. Additionally, baptism is an entrance into ekklesia, a self-giving community of mutual love. It is a commitment to do life together for the long haul, to serve one another, to bless each other with our gifts, and to mend one another's wounds. In this sense, baptism really is like marriage, between the new believer and the body of Christ, just as the body of Christ is married to Christ himself.

Thus, I find myself dissatisfied with children being baptized, not just because they are often confused about the nature of the gospel, but because they have not developed the capacity to serve and love like an adult nor the ability to understand the weight of long-term commitment. When we hear of child marriages,  we find ourselves disgusted, not because the child doesn't mentally understand what a marriage is nor because they don't have the capacity to serve or love. Instead, we abhor child marriages because the child has not developed the capacity to take responsibility for their own life and commitments. They are not capable of understanding the true weight of a life-long commitment like marriage. Additionally, while children can love and serve, they do not understand the discipline and maturity that love and service take within the context of marriage (adults have a hard enough time with these same concepts). Therefore, if marriage is like baptism, why do we rush to have our children baptized? We can affirm their faith and growth without forcing them to make a commitment to the fellowship of believers. When we equate baptism with salvation and justification, not only do we imply that baptism saves, we also imply that baptism is a one-time moment without consequences. I understand that those from infant baptism backgrounds might disagree, but they replace the true nature of baptism by coming up with other practices, such as confirmation and membership, to supplement what is lost by child baptism.

In conclusion, how have we Christians responded to our own Baptism? Do we act like we are married to the body of faith? If not, what is holding us back?

Feel free to disagree in the comments below. What do you think are legitimate differences between marriage and baptism?

Will Marriage Disappear?

In my conversations about the marriage and freedom debates shaping the American landscape, I find myself wondering about the survival of the very concept of marriage into the twenty-first century. As we have, as a nation, reexamined and debated the meaning of marriage over and over again, marriage itself seems to have waned in importance. If the goal of marriage is the experience of romantic love, I believe that the debates over who can get married will give way to debates on whether marriage itself is as wonderful as once believed.

The relationship status known as "cohabitation" or "living together" has largely taken the place of marriage in the same way that wireless phone carriers and cable companies have learned that consumers are more interested in relationships without contracts. In the case of phone carriers, consumers have learned to fear promising packages up front that are later transformed to unfavorable terms once a contract has been signed. In the same way, discerning couples in the modern "love marketplace" are learning that years of marriage may reveal unintended transformation of the package they signed up for. Thus, escaping the contract model gives all consumers the ability to fluidly meet their needs on the fly, capable of major relationship changes over the course of days. Additionally, our generation is more aware than ever that weddings and rehearsals are often unwelcome drains on finances and awkward reintroductions to distant family.

The only road bump that I see on the way to cohabitation is the place of children in American society. We care for our children and are willing to spend a lot of money to make sure they get the best in life. Additionally, stable marriages have proven the only method capable of consistently raising healthy, whole children. If cohabitation became the new norm, these households could prove dangerous and unhealthy for children who don't know what their caretaker situation will be like from day to day as their parents discern the best relational package for the moment. However, if the government or a private business practice found a way to supplement and capitalize on the parenting function that was not horrifying, large groups of people might leave their children to be raised, visiting them for their own joy while bypassing the burdens and pains of parenthood. One can even imagine situations in which conservative groups wishing to diminish abortions and liberal groups wanting to provide a communal approach to child-raising could team up to create a context where children can be dropped off and raised. Currently, this system exists in a proto form as the foster care system, yet the horrors of this system are too well known to be easily marketable. Reform may come one day where a more effective system will come along that effectively raises children, whether through private market competition or through mass overhaul of the foster care system. Once this new system is in place, the final difficult barrier between marriage and cohabitation will go away.

Now, as a Christian, does this change in society scare me? No.

Do I believe in the importance of Christian marriage? Absolutely.

Christians reflecting on marriage often turn to 1 Corinthians 7 for advice on romance and are horrified to find Paul seemingly advocate against marriage. However, this passage has more to show us than first meets the eye and demonstrates the Christian perspective on marriage. First, not only does Paul affirm the desire for sex, he also gives a method of discernment for dating Christians. He says that marriage will pull away Christians from service to God and others. However, Paul is not saying that marriage is unchristian. Quite the opposite really:

"³² I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. ³³ But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— ³⁴ and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. ³⁵ I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord." (1 Corinthians 7:32-35, NIV)

Instead of stepping away from service, marriage is a change of service, from serving God and others all of the time to serving one's wife part of the time. Yet, from what Matthew teaches us on service, serving anyone is really serving Christ himself. So, instead of changing from serving to not serving, we are changing from one kind of service to another. Paul thinks that the service of the single is most helpful in his current context, but he shows that both are equally ministry. And herein lies the key to our conversation on marriage disappearing.

When the world chooses marriage as the apex of romantic desire, they are taking a delightful part of the Christian witness and isolating it from the renewed heart in Christ. Since the secular world does not follow Christ, there is no reason for the secular world to try and obey a principle which only belongs to the Way of the Cross. For the world, service is valuable because people in general are valuable and love is valuable because it transcends space and time. However, the deeper level that the Christian sees is that, in addition to finding sex and service valuable, marriage is valuable because we belong to one another. And it is in belonging to one another that sex and service are also transformed. Just as the Bible speaks of Christians belonging to one another by virtue of their baptism, so a Christian marriage involves people belonging to one another. The gospel is not just a radical cleansing of sin, it is the establishment of a community that commits to loving and serving each other for the long haul. Long-term commitment is inherent in the Christian witness, taking a higher priority than the joys of sex and even the goods of service.

You see, cohabitating Christian couples can serve one another, but, without the permanent commitment of marriage, they will never truly belong to one another. Marriage is both a unique service and a spiritual discipline due to this dynamic of long-term commitment. When one signs up for whatever surprises may come with the contract, one learns to not run away from one's problems as well as learn an empathy that only comes from living in community for decades. When a couple looks at each other and presses forward through hardship rather than take the easy way out, they learn more about themselves and show love to the darkest, dirtiest side of their spouse.

That being said, marriage is not entered upon lightly. Those who are not thinking of service when proposing are doing so for the wrong reasons. Additionally, when our friends and family are entering into marriage, we are called to hold them accountable for the love and service that they give to one another. Marriage is a church within the church, a fellowship that exists in relationship with the larger fellowship of church., and a ministry that exists within the larger Kingdom of God. In this way, weddings and baptisms are quite the same thing. This conversation has implications for baptism as well, but this topic is for next time.

As we see marriage disappear from the landscape, we should take hope in the fact that the Christian witness of love, service, and mercy has left a deep mark on the secular American landscape. Even those not raised in the Christian faith are learning to serve and empathize due to the legacy several hard-working Christians have left behind for us. Peace-keeping, service, and other humanitarian institutions exist to this day that apply the Christian principles they were founded on while insisting that they continue to do so without a logical philosophical reason  (beyond "social contract theory"). In the same way, as marriage and church-membership become the only vestiges of long-term commitment, the world will be drawn to the deeper love and service that we offer one another. They will be shaped by and drawn to the dynamics that the Christian life brings, especially as rampant individualism and freedom ravage the American landscape, leaving behind a wake of isolation and loneliness. When this happens, the world will change, slowly but surely. No matter how many times the world tries to imitate the Church, they will find themselves sluggishly behind in a race toward the Kingdom of God.